I have a board on pinterest titled "words" where I hoard phrases, quotes, excerpts, etc. I see that make me feel something . . . anything. I often reference the collection at times when I feel others may have been able to express thoughts or feelings similar to my own more eloquently than myself.
As of late, I've turned to this source a great deal. A few people that are irreplacable in my life are experiencing an incomprehensible amount of sadness and I feel completely helpless in my ability to take away their sorrow. When I referenced my ever growing collection of internet wisdom in hope of finding some sort of language to communicate how I feel, I was reminded of how universal hurt is.
Pain is real.
It infiltrates your mind, bruises your heart, weakens your body, and exhausts your soul. It fucks with your entire existence.
I want to understand the world. I'm desperate for some sort of healing perspective on the harsh reality that the deeper we feel, the deeper it hurts.
The older I get, the less sense it makes to me—like I'm moving backwards with time. I often reflect on it all and I think about pain and what comes after it. We all have our own ways of coping: prayer, meditation, therapy, running away, giving up . . . take your pick.
But based on the hurt I've experienced in my relatively short life, no matter what route I have taken towards healing, there will always be unfillable holes and voids in my heart.
And maybe I want them there.
Maybe they make me feel alive; like I've been given the gift of truly being able to feel in this life.
Maybe time won't heal, and maybe that's okay.
But dear universe, if you could only be kinder to the ones that I love; at least for now. Let their hearts rest, if even for a moment.